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Depression sucks Eeyore 17/11/16(Thu)04:10 No. 5634 ID: f83095
5634

File 151080180841.jpg - (1.24MB , 2448x3264 , FullSizeRender.jpg )

I just started the life I've been wanting. I have my lovely boyfriend and we just had a baby together. We're about to move into a house together too. I really do love this man. He is my everything. Our baby is our everything.

But my depression has consumed me completely. I actually feel like I'm losing it all, everything that I've worked for. I keep holding myself back, all I've been giving myself is hate and shame. I feel like I've been a terrible mother. My anxiety gets the best of me. I'm so afraid of not being enough for my daughter. I feel so guilty for the pressure this puts on my boyfriend. He is always there for me, even after seeing me at my worst. But I still can't escape the fear of something interfering our relationship. I'm so afraid of disppointing him. He gets so frustrated with me when I fall into my episodes of bad depression.
This is definitely where I dissapoint him.
He sees me curled up on the ground with spit and snot all over my face, hair, and clothes. He sees me hitting myself in the face. He hears me saying that I want to hurt myself and that I think I'm not enough.
He can't handle this. I shouldn't blame him.

I just lose myself. In fact, I feel fucking crazy.
Thoughts take over and bully me. It all overlaps like a group of people standing around me talking shit while I'm on my knees crying. I cry, I scream, I hit myself, I break things and knock things over without any self control. I even hit him once. I immediately regret these things and then my head is filled with shame and even more self hate.

I get so sensitive. My heart feels like it's literally breaking when I'm criticized. Or when I've done something wrong, even on accident.

I can't get myself out of this sick cycle.

It's ruining my relationship with my boyfriend.
It could ruin my relationship with my baby.
It's ruining me.


>>
Eeyore 17/11/20(Mon)01:59 No. 5637 ID: 27614a

>>5634
These things are not even abnormal. People who tend towards depression often have their depression triggered by major life changes, positive or negative. You should look up postpartum depression. That might be something productive to do.

Guilt and sensitivity to criticism is a very normal manifestations of depression. If you have ever gotten help from a counselor, you know this.

Women hit men very often, despite gender rolls suggesting otherwise. You probably hit your boyfriend to hurt him emotionally, as an uncontrolled primal reaction. You probably did not throw a punch that was strong enough injure him, and maybe you couldn't if you tried - this is why women hit their boyfriends quite often.

Feeling crazy is also a common thing in depressed people, since depression can lead to psychosis. You probably should get off the chans and go seek help from a counselor or at least a trusted friend, for your own sake at least.


>>
Eeyore 17/11/20(Mon)02:02 No. 5638 ID: 27614a

>>5634
Also, if you see a clinical therapist and are offered drugs, know that SSRI's and SNRI's very, very commonly cause sexual side-effects. Antipsychotics, another class of medication, are very dangerous. Antipsychotics don't kill people very often, but they cause a lot of permanent side-effects that affect quality of life.


>>
Eeyore 17/11/20(Mon)02:11 No. 5639 ID: 27614a

>>5634
I know this is not emotionally supportive, but you have to know that you'll be fine so long as you act intelligently and stay determined. In the spirit of /grim/, you should know that once you get better, you'll feel like this again. But then you'll pull through again, and feel better for a time. Such is life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugJfjmxOR2I



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