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/grim/ - Cold, Grim & Miserable As always ideas for rules, anonymous names and better headers are always welcome, post them in the main sticky and we'll consider them.
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Happiness MushroomMan 18/07/11(Wed)13:11 No. 5848 ID: 708d53
5848

File 153130749242.png - (375.82KB , 720x1280 , Screenshot_20180707-011933.png )

Grim, remember how you once had a career goal? Let us know about how you destroyed your dream job. What shitty job do you work now?


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Eeyore 18/07/13(Fri)08:13 No. 5850 ID: a6ede2

I used to want to study Maths at uni, then a masters in one of a bunch of crypto related courses. Career wise was never fully clear but I wanted to be involved in cryptography in some capacity.

That stuff is still my jam but it's all self taught and.. it means nothing without the degree(s) to back it up.

I initially took a 'gap year' which has turned into nearly 9 years now, (my place at uni is obviously no longer being held for me, you can't defer for that long) where I worked in shitty entry level office jobs for minimum wage and soon after manual assembly jobs because they paid more (but still not very well). I was pursuing gender transition for some fucked up reason, which is why working, and working towards that, took precedence over a career. I needed about £30k for surgery.


I'm only about 2/3rds of the way there, that money is locked away, I no longer need it for its initially intended purpose so it's just an emergency fund.

That's not a lot to have saved in nearly a decade, and that's because I started doing heroin some time in mid 2015 - thanks darknet markets. I'm certain I'd never have been able to get hold of that without them. It's probably the second biggest mistake I've made in my life, the biggest being 'coming out as trans' to everyone and then reneging on the decision. That one comes before even trying meth. I don't want that. Transition I mean. I'm glad I figured that out before I went through with it (in the irreversible sense - though I still have irreversible (w/o surgery) breast growth.) Even if that is /only/ because of the time I bought myself with/because of drug abuse.

These days I take plastic parts out of an injection moulding machine, cut off the excess plastic (which is harder on your hands than it sounds, it's very thick and difficult to cut off, especially hundreds of times every day), then I inspect it and put it in a box. It's mind numbing, and it fucks your hands/grip up. Robots are slowly taking over some of it, ofc. (but the inspection will be human for the foreseeable future. The tech isn't there yet, don't believe the hype)

I don't think I'll ever go to uni at this point, I don't have the motivation. I come home exhausted every day, I don't have the energy to teach myself anything new and instead just post on reddit or whatever imageboard like I've always done. Sometimes I question whether or not I ever truly had the motivation to pursue what I /claimed/ I wanted to - i was sick of academia and had a 'good excuse' to stop it for 'a while'.

Even if I did go to uni at this point, how long until I start using again and fuck it all up because b'awww pissbabby can't handle the stress?

I like to believe in determinism. That I don't have free will, and that all of this has happened by no fault of my own, it was just 'meant to be'

But that isn't true. I've fucked up my life all by myself.

If anything above doesn't make sense, i'll correct it when i'm not drunk.


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Eeyore 18/07/15(Sun)05:23 No. 5855 ID: 678169

I wanted to be a writer.
I was a decent poet; I loved literature.
I wrote every day in university, I read myself to sleep every night; I didn't watch television for four years.
Then I had to get a job that paid after graduation, so I became a teacher.
That was twelve years ago.
I've not written a word since, I've not read a book since.
In my down time I'm so exhausted all I can do is put on the tube and turn off my mind; sometimes post on 7chan.
I hate what I have become.


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Eeyore 18/07/17(Tue)03:35 No. 5856 ID: 21387b
5856

File 153179132729.jpg - (71.02KB , 465x548 , 1490051198606.jpg )

>>5850
>I was pursuing gender transition for some fucked up reason
>30K
Wow, how old were you when you were trying to make THE single biggest (and non reversible) change in your young life?

Also, I know a guy who just got a job in San Jose working full stack building databases for some Indian company based there. He's only been learning to program for a yea and has no degree at all. He was doing free-lance web development before that to build up a port-folio. So there's still hope for you.
Also hopefully he'll keep his job. It pays 80k a year, but I'm worried he's way in over his head.


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Eeyore 18/07/17(Tue)05:27 No. 5857 ID: 87a10b

>>5856
>he's way in over his head
If it's like most Indian firms I've worked with, he'll have a lot of company. They won't admit it, of course.

OTOH an old coworker of mine got laid off and ended up being an IT department manager... with absolutely no IT experience besides turning on PCs. Maybe plugging one in every once in a while.

That did not end well.


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Eeyore 18/07/17(Tue)07:41 No. 5859 ID: a6ede2

>>5856
20 when i started hrt.


>>
Eeyore 18/07/25(Wed)17:29 No. 5862 ID: cc4eb9

>>5859
If it were possible for you to go on a speaking tour to talk to people considering gender reassignment for themselves or their children, what would you tell them?


>>
Eeyore 18/08/01(Wed)12:42 No. 5865 ID: a6ede2

>>5862

idk, more therapy I guess. I just gave up on the idea due to realising how delusional I was about my chances of passing and assimilating. A lot (most) of before/afters are misleading as all fuck, which gives false hope and leads to people embarking on a journey to the unobtainable.


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Eeyore 18/08/22(Wed)18:23 No. 5876 ID: ba9869

>>5865
I think this is something you should do. Confront young, pre-op transgenders about the reality of sexual "reassignment". We live in a world of delusions reinforced by propaganda and folly furnished with appeasement. Someone needs to remind these kids how far from possible what they expect to happen actually is.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm against people having surgery to match their bodies to how they feel on the inside, but that I think you are very lucky to have woken up to the unlikelyhood of being happy with the results.

Even with the best of hormone therapy and surgery, we are decades away from being able to truly change someone's gender, if it ever will be possible at all. I think future transgenders will look back at this time as one in which their kind were subjected to medical experimentation and surgical horror.


>>
Eeyore 18/08/23(Thu)08:40 No. 5878 ID: a6ede2

>>5876

Well I'm not going to do that like some mtf dirtywhiteboi67

There are a lot of eggs that know they won't pass and carry on anyway, /lgbt/ for ex. are starting to realise passing is a meme and they're entirely prepared to live as out (open) transwomen or eternal boymode on hrt as cope, or neck themselves.

I'm not up for telling people to put of transitioning at all, the sooner they try it and realise they can or cannot do it and/or be happy, the better. The younger they start, the better the chances of not roping.

I'm never going to try to dissuade people from something that (from mtf perspective) can largely be undone. (i'm obviously not talking about lower surgery, but - if you know you don't pass, or are deluded enough to think you do when you don't, AND THEN go through with the irreversible, you're beyond reprieve/or you chose to live as an open tran, and I'm not wasting my breathe on them. You cannot tell a crazy person that they are nuts. It doesn't work.)

>I think you are very lucky to have woken up to the unlikelyhood of being happy with the results.

But knowing that hurts. A lot. The feeling hasn't gone anywhere. I just ran completely out of steam and dropped the effort I was putting in. I'm in that last column I mentioned above - 'or neck themselves'. It's just how it's gotta be. Life is suffering.

'be stoic' lol


>>
Eeyore 18/09/20(Thu)16:36 No. 5894 ID: 718082

Not yet, can't go into detail because of its legality (recently legalised drugs) but I'm very close to fucking it up as it's across some deadly terrain from my home and school, I'm either going to die on the way there or bail on being one of the first people to break into the market (analysis and sale of a slightly unconventional medium). I intend to put forward my best efforts until I snap from the stress or crash my tiny car on its balded tires attempting to make it work.

Last opportunity I had to advance was actually shit. I was offered a laboratory job testing wild seafood for pathogens, when I was signed on there was already a person in my position and was basically a cute secretary (20yo at the time). I actually stayed there for over a year, spending 80hr/wk knee deep in fish guts, lived in the parking lot in my truck, to afford to go back to school.

The reason I wasn't in school was because I moved far away after high school having been accepted to university, but found financial aid didn't cover rent, I didn't know how to cook food, do laundry, or handle money, and the friend I moved with attempted suicide halfway though the semester, so I stopped attending classes to be with them (blaming my own failures on someone else is bad. But I did think it was better to have a friend and take a few more years to get my degree than it was to lose one and graduate in 4 years. I didn't set foot on the campus after that incident, and spent a few months helping them get help, find a job, social support, etc. It was my decision to choose to leave college, but I did have a reason).

Getting that letter that I was dismissed from uni and had to wait a semester before reapplying was a relief, and a slap in the face. What if I didn't have what it takes to succeed? I knew I didn't right now, and had a lot of growing up to do to be able to handle that responsibility. I also wanted to actually learn something in school rather than just pass by the skin of my teeth, otherwise, what was I wasting over $40k on? I learned a LOT of hard lessons living by myself in the meantime. Fired from a few mcjobs. When the fish job turned out to be a wasted opportunity and I was homeless, I once again had to look at my goals and choose whether to believe it was plausible or not. I don't know what the future holds. But if I work every chance I get towards this, the chances of ending up there are closer. I'm still (very) young, but the day I've failed is the day I stop trying. So if I ever feel like I don't want to have failed, I will just keep trying. Then the only time I've really failed is if I die between my final attempt, and the conclusion. Even if I get to where I want to be, and ruin it for some reason, there's another opportunity out there that maybe I have to make for myself. Even if it's unlikely, it beats sitting and crying.

As I frequently read on highly articled image macros, "It'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." Isn't that true? A bit ambiguous in some cases like losing a limb, but, in forming a lifestyle involving something you worked for, isn't it an appropriate philosophy?


>>
Eeyore 18/10/02(Tue)18:10 No. 5909 ID: e2fbd5

>>5878
Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't speak tranny; I could use some help with your dialect.

>eggs
Newly trans-leaning individuals who have not yet committed to transition and/or crossdressing?

>eternal boymode on hrt as cope
I know "hormone replacement therapy" but the rest?

>neck themselves.
Commit to living as your assigned gender despite your trans identity?

>roping.
Giving up? Getting stuck in an uncomfortable or unfortunate situation?

>Life is suffering.
This is the basic premise of Buddhism; that to exist is to suffer, and to suffer is to exist. /grim/ isn't the place for a philosophical or religious discussion, but it may offer you some comfort to imagine this might not be the only opportunity you have to exist. You, or some part of you, may have been a woman in a previous life and may yet be a woman in another. For this one, you were born male. Perhaps there is a reason why, perhaps not; but you have the opportunity to make the most of it either way.


>>
Eeyore 18/10/06(Sat)10:21 No. 5910 ID: ede4a5

>>5909
>eggs
people that are low-key trans but do not want to admit it
>eternal boymode on hrt as cope
you start taking female hormones but still present as male
>neck themselves
hang themselves
>roping.
no clue


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Eeyore 18/10/08(Mon)18:13 No. 5913 ID: 35ee87

>>5910

>roping

As a shot in the cold, grim & miserable dark, it's probably another reference to hanging/killing one's self.


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Eeyore 18/10/19(Fri)09:47 No. 5923 ID: 661f01

>>5909
>eggs
sort of correct by your first description, minus the crossdressing.

>eternal boymode on hrt as cope
living (potentially forever - eternal) on hormone replacement therapy, 'as cope' - to cope, as a coping mechanism

>neck themselves
kill themselves

>roping
kill themselves

>fuck buddhism


>>
Eeyore 18/10/19(Fri)09:48 No. 5924 ID: 661f01

>>5923

living socially as a man (potentially forever - eternal) on hormone replacement therapy, 'as cope' - to cope, as a coping mechanism


>>
Eeyore 18/10/22(Mon)10:20 No. 5925 ID: 848b2c

Since this topic has gone completely off the rails (and we may as well embrace this; there is nothing else to do) I can offer a unique perspective to "transitioning".


I am an objectively attractive man in his 30s with severe body dysphoria. Almost all of the time, I consider myself unfixably ugly, and this has at times led to severe anxiety and depression, and minor body disfigurement (nothing permanent except lots and lots of acne scars). I can't stand to see myself in the mirror, and likely will never be able to be in a sexual relationship because of this; I cannot fathom that anyone else can find me attractive, either, and will always be too ashamed to be seen naked.

But my dysphoria has nothing to do with sex/gender; I am quite happy being male. It has to do with age. Since I was 11 and my puberty began, it has seemed like a corruption of my body. Like a car rusting or food molding. Every change, every new hair, was a horrifying affront; it makes me want to vomit, and frequently makes me cry. I was a BEAUTIFUL boy, but this turned into an ugly man. This attraction to the figure of prepubescence could be termed a type of pedophilia, albeit a bizarre and narcissistic type, but that's not the point. The point is, if there were some magical process that could transform my body into that which I had as a ten-year-old, I would want to do it.

But it's just not possible. Not given all the money in the world. Similar to sex-reassignment surgery, there are steps which could get me closer than where I currently am (full-body laser hair removal, extensive plastic surgery to make me look younger in the face and firm up my entire body, and even HRT to scale back my testosterone levels, but only to the point of androgyny rather than femininity). However, it would never be perfect. No surgery could make my penis half its current size (yet retain function), in the same way no surgery could make it double in size. While theoretically doctors could chop out sections of my long bones to make me dwarf-sized, it would be crippling and would not repair my adult proportions like shoulder/chest width.

But even supposing it WAS possible, supposing I really could do it, it still wouldn't work! Because I've analyzed this dysphoria, and recognized it for what it is, which is a type of obsession (can also tie in with compulsion for the full OCD package, as with my obsession with removing my own body hair, or the common compulsion for repeated plastic surgery). The thing is, these obsessions have no end. It's like asking a rich man at what dollar figure will he step back and say: "Okay, that's enough! Don't have to earn anymore now." This figure doesn't exist. For humans, "good enough" never exists; humans are evolutionarily designed to WANT, and never stop wanting, and dysphoria is a result of this process targeting an odd direction. For myself, it's obvious because no matter how many hairs I remove, it's never good enough. If I somehow magically got this childlike body, it still wouldn't be good enough. It can't be!

I have a good memory, and the really funny thing? When I actually WAS prepubescent, I was ashamed of my body just the same. Every spot, every crease, was an affront to what "should be"; I once thought in panic that my lips were too red for a boy's. Back then, I didn't have any particular direction I wanted my body to change toward, but the fact was I felt the exact same level of discomfort as I do now. Body dysphoria is common for children, by the way; most people just grow out of it and learn to "accept themselves", somehow. So I know that, as much as I want that body back, it wouldn't fix my underlying mental issues. I would still want "more"; I would forever be in pursuit of this impossible ideal of a child that I simply am not and will never be.


So what I meant when I said "unique perspective" is this: it's as if I was a potential MtF sex-reassignment-surgery candidate, who was able to ACTUALLY experience having a perfect female body for a while, a little over 20 years ago. And I remember that, when I had the body I now so desire, I still wasn't happy with it! As the saying goes:, hope that you never achieve your dreams, because it'll never be as good as you were expecting.

Now, that doesn't mean that a little bit of change wouldn't make me happier. A full-body laser-hair-removal would have basically no drawbacks aside from cost, and would genuinely improve my appearance (in my opinion, which is the only one that truly matters to me). By the same token, a small change (say, crossdressing, or wearing makeup, or taking small amounts of HRT to grow breasts) may make a MtF happier. But I recognize that what I really want is an impossible ideal: I will NEVER BE a child again; and subjecting my body to irreversible Frankenstein surgery to try to get closer to this ideal is foolhardy; and even if I got that body, I still wouldn't be happy.

That's what everyone needs to know. If you want your body to be of the opposite sex, you'll never get it; and more importantly: even if you did, you still won't be happy with it. The costs are far too great for what will amount to no gain.


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Eeyore 18/11/04(Sun)19:16 No. 5933 ID: 16e8f6
5933

File 154135541024.jpg - (214.98KB , 800x1000 , hook-1991-01-Pan-oilstain.jpg )

>>5925


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Eeyore 18/11/11(Sun)08:32 No. 5934 ID: 0d41a5

I wanted to be an artist, but I used to work at a retail store for work experience, but I'm honestly not too sure.
>Self doubt looms over my head



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