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Rabbit Republic Hipster Slut 13/11/04(Mon)18:28 No. 17040
17040

File 138358611487.jpg - (278.58KB , 840x600 , Tunnels_by_jfujita.jpg )

“wow this is so cool! how do you not get lost down here?” “Very carefully” ‘how do the Authorities not know about this? there’s no cameras or recorders or anything that I can see. are they hidden?
“no this place is safe. You could do anything down here. he grabbed her around the waist. “anythings huh.” she said nervously. “you said you wanted to live free right?” “yeah. But, what if-”no what if so long as no one talks about it up above people can come down here for an hour, a day, or maybe a lifetime and never be captured searched or interrogated. she almost asked another question but his tongue blocked her words. She could feel his fear and urgency. it only reminded her of the butterflies in her stomach which always made her lose concentration.

Afterward they lay on the damp earth staring into the dark. “Can I trust you Moni?” “I don’t know can you” “I’m serious.” “so am I. I want you to trust me but I've never seen you trust anyone for the last 6 years I've seen you and uh… noticed you, you never talk to anyone.”

“ How big are these tunnels anyways?” “big” “Do people live down here?” it was silent. in the dark she wondered if he had disappeared “Yes people live down here” “do you know any of them?” “yes.” hope and fear filled her. Could I meet them?” “maybe”
“have you ever met someone with an umm a kind of talent that people aren’t suppose to have?”
He chuckled. “yeah, a few”
“ would you believe me if I told you that sometimes I can see what other people see. It’s hard to control who but I felt something when I saw you.” “ You felt me feeling you” “you mean people know” Some do, but don't worry most people are oblivious.” She got a chill. he sat up and pulled her into his lap “do you want to meet someone who can teach you how to do so much more?” “yeah!” Ok meet me at the same spot tomorrow”

They lit another glow stick and started heading out of the decaying tunnels. They were near the surface when they heard men shouting and someone screaming. he didn’t say a word only shoved the stick deep in his jacket pocket, grabbed Moni firmly by the hand and ran. They passed the spot where they had made love she wondered if everyone could feel the past in a place like she could.

After she was certain they would be running forever she heard a voice not with her ears WHO GOES THERE? help they're coming! she thought but a rope ladder hit her in the face before she could finish her thought.

The dim light burned her eyes. “they found the tunnels“ everything happened at once. “Monica, I’m going to use your energy to send out a warning” The plump, wizened lady took her wrist right before Moni feinted.


>>
maninahat 13/11/14(Thu)21:46 No. 17046

* Fix the formatting and paragraphing so that I can tell who is saying what.
* How does a dim light burn someone's eyes. Surely it would seem bright, if it were to do that?
* "captured, searched or interrogated" doesn't sound very natural, and doesn't make much sense. They both know what happens when you get caught, so they wouldn't mention it. This line only exists for expository purposes, and it does it very clumsily.
* Butterflies in stomachs are a cliche. Think of a more interesting way to describe how someone is nervous.
* Would a couple really want to lie in the "damp earth" in a dark "decaying" tunnel? Sounds pretty mood killing.
* '"Help they are coming!" she thought but a rope ladder hit her face before she could finish the thought.' Jesus. That makes no damn sense.





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