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I reckon I'm depressed. I'm shitty at what I used to be good at, I no longer have the desire to create or play a game. I just want to sit and watch YouTube Poop all day.

I'm now living to work, I rise early, rub one out or smoke a little weed, or both, drag myself to work where I work until early evening, then drive back home with a guy from work where I try to feign interest in his retarded one-sided conversation. From there I get home, smoke more weed and shower. Then, if I'm lucky, I have the evening to myself where I sit in my room and try take my mind off work.

Meh. But then again I don't have the energy to even act depressed, it's almost too much work to even try feel sorry for myself.

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I don't know where else to post this.
So recenty I been having a rush for what was like to surf the internet 10 years ago when things were not so centralized.
There was always something new and different right after the next corner and every new place had new people.
I haven't felt that feeling of novelty when you stumbled upon a new resource, flash game, webcomic and so on in a long time, it was always different.

The internet is no longer the wild frontier it used to be and all the pioneers have disappeared.

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Fuck I don't understand it, I don't understand anything nothing feels fucking real anymore I can't even articulate my thoughts anymore on what any of my issues are. I don't get it.

Was anything real to begin with because I don't even fucking know, everywhere I see pattens I don't really exists or not and don't call me crazy I'm not crazy I know what crazy is because I know you're thinking it.

I don't really want to even make this thread, this is stupid.

Your stupid and I'm fine.

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Every time I have made a list of priorites, things to do, etc--every single time in 31 years of my life--it is almost immediately and irrecoverably trumped. I have never completed even making a list--not even for just a single day's tasks--not even once.

Either an unforseeable problem that must be handled immediately and prevents other goals from being achieved will occur just after or while making the list, or someone will drop on me an obligation that I never agreed to but am nonetheless bound to do--immediately--because of our relationship (most often work, sometimes goverment officers--I gave up on ever having a chance to do things for family and friends no matter what they expect), or an already long delayed and thus long forgotten task will reassert itself in the form of some personal or professional disaster.

My life has been like this as long as I can remember. It is different from other people's suffering; no one I've ever met has this much trouble with everything, all the time. People often ask me why I look so exhausted and nervous--it is because I've developed an extreme paranoia about setting even the smallest goals.

Basically I live each hour of each day finding out what I missed in the last hour, or what I failed to do the previous day, or what sort of broken thing will prevent me from getting any of several things done until it is fixed, or what someone else thinks I have a legal, professional, or personal obligation to do--every hour of every day.

Once in a while I find myself alone and unoccupied. I try so hard to think of what I should be doing, to make a list of the many things that I should be doing at that moment, but more and more my mind just goes blank. Setting priorities has become that traumatic for me: I'm so afraid of knowing about all the things I already failed that I can't even imagine what they might be. By the time I do think of something I have to do, something else will already be blocking it.

How do I get out of this endless cycle of failure? It makes me suicidally depressed. It has cost me my family, friends, even jobs. I want to live like other people do: setting priorities based on a reasonable schedule and achieving most of them in an order that makes sense, not having to drop everything because their front door broke off it's hinges and their apartment can't be secured (for example). I don't want to answer another angry phone call from someone who has been waiting for me to do something I never even heard about, or telling me to do something that has nothing to do with me immediately because it has to be done right now and I am the only person (in town) who can do it. I can't take setting a goal for the month only to see it pushed off until the next year and then never again.

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How do you cope with the fact that you aren't actually smarter than anyone? I'm trying to come to terms with that in here, and it's getting pretty tough.
Being intelligent used to be the one thing I was good at, but now I don't feel like I any longer am at all. At least, not more than the regular. So I feel like I'm literally good for nothing, and I'm finding it hard to live with that idea.
So, what do you do when you realize that you're just average at the things you considered they distinguished you?

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I've reached to a point in my life in which I finally discovered that there is no love, at least for me. Everytime I get to know a female, I take great interest in her for a short while, until routine kicks in and then I just start looking for something else.

No matter how hard I try and focus on the person I want to be with, I eventually grow tired of her. I've already gone through 4 serious relationships and, while telling myself "this is the one" during most of the time, in the end my sad reality hits me in the face every single time.

In conclusion to this, questions are starting to sprout from my brain: is love accepting that you are not going to feel the same way towards your partner, but knowing you want to be with him/her? does love evolve into some sort of friendship after years? is love a plain and simple lie?

Does love exist? Have you found it, /rnb/?

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I learned quickly that life isn't fair. I learned quickly nobody really deserves anything. I learned quickly that ideals are simply ideals and the reality is always more likely to run a displeasing course, because the odds the ideals are met outside of all the other possibilities is slim.

These are just really easy concepts.

Despite this, I lived willingly in a naive state for so many years... I knew how it worked, and yet I did not want to believe it. Years and years trudging through utter bullshit, with this foolish notion clouding up what I really knew was true: that if I just sat it out and hoped it changed, it just would. Even better, I started to later convince myself that I would rather play out the last few strings of my rope and let myself rot away. Why kill myself when I can selfishly live the last few months or years doing nothing? Taking what I can while it is still feasible? I don't care anymore if it is frowned upon. I just want to be selfish.

Strangely, I never seriously wanted to kill myself despite my depressive thoughts. I never really wanted my happiness to end. Sad how I came to that conclusion back then. I had promised myself at a point that the next time I was happy, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die happy. I didn't want to take the chance death would meet with me one of the thousands of days I spend miserable. Why would I want to die miserable? So that day came after a few months passed. I finally felt okay for one whole day. I remembered my promise, too. I sat in my parents' basement with a fresh straight edge and knew I could finally feel release from this limbo. But I didn't.

I found myself crying and laughing. How could I hesitate? It was perfect. I would finally die and I was anticipating complete relief. I could feel tinges of relief just feeling "it is done, I can finally be done" but here I was hesitating. I felt like it was all wrong, too. I didn't want to die. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to be okay and no longer stuck in life's limbo.

How cowardly and slovenly I have been.

I know nothing will change if I do not make it happen. I just do not think I can, or quite simply, I will not. Something in me refuses and tells me real change is impossible. The effort I put into change in the past always somehow ended up in the same rut I am in now. I need a complete change.

I am thinking of saving up money next job I get, and then just leaving everything. I'll take what I want and die like the slime I am probably within mere months due to certain acts, but I'll know I didn't rot in place for decades regretting ever doing anything or making an impact on the things I have decided to put care into.
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I feel like going to sleep for a very long time. Who wants to join me?

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I have so much damn energy but when its time to do something? NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Fucking energy HOW DOES IT WORK?

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This was originally written as a response to >>/b/741887 and >>/b/741890 but I figured that it would be better to post here than to shit up the other thread.

All this talk of incest just makes me sad that I didn't have any siblings. Even if my purely hypothetical sister didn't put out one of her friends might have, assuming that she had a chance of turning out slightly less bitterly antisocial than I did.

Of course it's easier to see in hindsight that virginity wasn't the real problem but merely a symptom of not having a proper social life. Of course getting my cock mongled would have been great, but underlying that is having people in my life who would be willing to mongle my cock.

It's easy to tell myself that I can't change the past and that it would be more productive to focus on the present and future which I can change. It's easy to tell myself that, but that doesn't stop the thoughts from reoccurring.