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Teenage Girl 16/12/27(Tue)17:31 No. 21340 ID: edd729

File 148285630980.jpg - (562.15KB , 1920x1080 , DSC_0410.jpg )

I hate myself so much I could take a bath in hydrochloric acid. I am a disgusting, stupid, shameful waste of life. I think it would be too selfish to kill myself however, as it would hurt other people.

How do you live with the shame?

Teenage Girl 17/01/02(Mon)05:38 No. 21342 ID: df6334

There's the fact that you're either wrong about being a waste of life or wrong that ending it all would hurt other people.

Of course, no one here knows you or why you'd have any reason to feel ashamed. Is the picture of Pedobear lube at all related, or does the shame come from somewhere else?

Teenage Girl 17/01/02(Mon)21:06 No. 21343 ID: c27c1f

Pic unrelated. My shame comes from somewhere else; it is the shame of a lifetime of doing just about everything wrong. Still, even in a life lived as horribly as mine, one accumulates people who care. There's my immediate family of course, who I've done nothing for in years and continue to use for money even in adulthood--yet they love me, and some friends--the ones I haven't abandoned yet, and I've abandoned plenty--who could certainly move on, but would be shocked and sad for a while, and a girlfried I don't deserve in the least who's emotionally dependent on me even though I'm an unreliable, unstable, thick-headed jerk, and last of all the people I work for--the ones that haven't fired me despite repeated and regular failure to do my job--who depend on my ashamed, servile nature as much to get more work out of me than they pay for as to get the impossible things only I can do for them done (I have a varied and useful skill set, as well as a do whatever it takes attitude--even though I fail at things like showing up on time and remembering customers names).

Teenage Girl 17/01/15(Sun)20:50 No. 21358 ID: df6334

File 148450981965.png - (109.91KB , 640x498 , taunted.png )

So you have a family, friends, a girlfriend, and a job and you want to talk about how suicide-inducing your life is to people who are likely missing a lot of those?

Before you go let that make you feel even worse and more useless, maybe you should consider the expectations you have for your own life. The kind of misery you're talking about has more to do with failing your own preconceptions than it does with much going objectively wrong.

Teenage Girl 17/01/16(Mon)17:43 No. 21360 ID: 6b1338

>The kind of misery you're talking about has more to do with failing your own preconceptions than it does with much going objectively wrong.

Yes, but things are also objectively going wrong. I ended up in a situation that would be considered cheating on my girlfriend; my employment is on shaky ground and opportunities are drying up; I have no savings and significant debts; all the plans I had for my future have been dashed, repeatedly, by circumstances seemingly beyond my control--yet I cannot deny that these things are my fault.

I recommend you tl;dr here.

Every time I get to a point in my life that is upwardly mobile it is promptly destroyed by a combination of the choices that got me there and changes of circumstance that could not be predicted. Examples:

I once had a cushy IT job in a big city and a nice apartment; stood to make a huge profit and have a secure future--until my boss's business partner set us up for a huge failure, which I had to take responsibility for because it was my job to execute their orders. In the end, I had to move back to the country side and start my life over from scratch, disregarding several months unpaid salary. My fault: trusting that friend, who got me into his company with big promises then never signed my employment contract, never paid the full salary we agreed to, paid nothing the last six months or so, and blamed me for his partner's stupidity because it was my job to make any impossible request happen. Circumstances that could not be predicted: the business partner taking payment on a contract for services we were in no position to provide, then setting an arbitrary deadline that no one could ever have made, then using all of the company's savings on a half-baked emergency mission to set things up that failed because we didn't know what we were doing.

I was working for a business that went under recently, taking most of my salary and half my employment with it. I had entered into a contract there on the premise that they'd provide me with stable employment, something I hadn't had for a few years, which required that I give up several smaller contracts to make time for their hours. In the beginning things were looking really good, we set up a new office, had over a hundred clientele, four or five staff and my job was very easy. Then our boss started to lose her mind, manic depressive style. She began lecturing our clientele on her particular, crazy, moral sentiments and one day she covered every surface in the office with handwritten sheets of paper on which she had devised the plan for a whole new company that never came to be. There was supposed to be an NPO side of the business as well, but it never took off. After the office episode, two key staff members quit and half our clientele left. The numbers never went up from there, and our boss started to look depressed. Around this time they asked if I would accept a reduction in salary "until they could pay off some expenses" I knew it would become permanent, but I also wasn't in a position to quit and find other work. At one point I had arranged for a vacation, having made plans with our boss three months in advance to take two weeks off--when one week was already a scheduled national holiday. She agreed, but apparently never told any of the other staff--not even her husband who would take over the company a few days before my vacation as she had collapsed into acute depression. He didn't want to let me go, but I explained this was arranged and I'd already spent thousands of dollars on tickets. Unbeknownst to me, another co-worker had also made arrangements to take the same time off. With our boss out of comission, this left no one to provide service for our clientele. Rather than take a two-week hiatus, her husband decided to put their nineteen year old son in charge of the whole thing and not to close for the scheduled national holiday. Of course he was incapable of handling it. Another half of our clientele left and bad rumors began to spread in the community. A few months later the boss's husband warned me the company might not last the year. He was right, it didn't. My fault: I knew better than to take on large contracts after several other bad experiences, but I am too old for unstable work and wanted a decent job, so I agreed. Circumstances that could not be predicted: My boss became a nutjob.

As for my love life, my current girlfriend is awesome, but I've come to have little faith in love. I've been close to getting married several times. I bought one girl a ring, and she said yes, only to dump me in an airport a few months later. Another I was with for two years until I lost my cushy IT job and came home to the countryside to find out she'd been cheating on me for at least half a year and that all of our associates knew, but no one had the heart to tell me. Another I lived with for about three years until I had enough of our alcoholism and constant screaming fights, having kitchen knives pointed at me, and my house being broken by her violent outbursts. The girl I'm with now wants to get married, but is nine years younger. She has very unrealistic expectations of both herself and me and I've tried to reality check her without dissapioniting her on many occasions, only to find her delusions resurface a few months later. We also live far apart due to circumstances beyond our control, which no one understands, and everyone criticizes, constantly. I want to marry her too, and we've met eachother's parents (no easy feat as we are from different countries and we don't live in either), but I can't bring myself to believe it's going to happen and I feel awful about that. I don't want to waste her time or mine, and I don't want another failed romance in my heart, but we're way too invested in each other to just give up and our relationship is actually really good--any time we can be together is fucking golden and we manage the distance with frequent skype calling. Every time she asks me "when is it gonna be?" I don't know what to say.. after I pay off the thousands of dollars I borrowed so that we could go and meet my partents? after I get a job that pays enough salary to afford some kind of ring? whenever it is that I can save enough money to pay off your third-world mother's rediculous bride price? So I say all of that and she replies "oh... yeah, that.." I know there's a time limit; women can't wait forever, but what am I supposed to do?

Some other notable failures would be getting fired from one of the most reliable jobs I ever had for being late. Not just one time, but maybe twice a year, and then one particular time when some VIP customers, who'd come unannounced, were left waiting. That was about three years ago; then there's all the money I've lost to being cheated. I was cheated out of several thousand dollars and nearly my life about two years ago, purchasing a bike with a cracked engine block at a rediculous price because I was in a bind. I needed a vehicle immediately as my own had just died and my work is such that regardless of the circumstances, failure to attend means being fired (seriously, you can't be sick or have car accidents--you get fired), I had just made a bunch of changes to my schedule to make room for a trip to meet my girlfriend's family, and I made a deal with the wrong "friend" (we don't talk any more). Again, all my fault; definetly my fault.

Teenage Girl 17/01/18(Wed)07:50 No. 21364 ID: e1b2b5


I don't know what to tell you, but I read all of this, and it touched me, and I just wanted to offer you that.

I think that you have love in your life is an amazing thing. I think you should make that the cornerstone of your situation. And I think maybe you should get a fresh start, somehow. Just pick up and go with the person you love and take a job, even if you find it embarrassing, and go from there.

I know people who have started over from nothing later in life, age 40 and beyond, and they have ended up years later with wonderful families and wonderful lives.

It is possible, and it is hard. Good luck.

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