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/vg/ - Video Games
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Scathing review of the Nintendo Piss (and Ass) 17/01/18(Wed)09:13 No. 144820 ID: 1689fb
144820

File 148472719879.jpg - (338.71KB , 1920x1080 , Nintendo-Switch-Console-2.jpg )

Do you like tablets? Well fuck you!
-Nintendo

So if you haven't ever just seen a phone with those controller dongles you might be almost surprised by this piece of shit. That is until you realize how piss-poor the lineup is, and how similar it is to the Dreamcast without any of the fun or innovation.

You see the Mario game, Super Mario Odyssey is an unashamed ripoff of Sonic Adventure. The word Odyssey in the title makes it completely obvious, but the problem is it doesn't make any fucking sense. You see Sonic wasn't a human, he was a fucking talking hedgehog made in a lab or some shit who knows, so when he is surrounded by fucking humans it actually almost seems fitting. Mario however is supposed to be human, but looks nothing like the "realistic" (I use that term loosely) humans in the trailer for the Switch game. Now even without this little flaw the whole idea of the living hat seems like shit. Bowser is getting married again or something, which is actually a plot point they used in a previous game I have read. Anyways the hats they all wear might be alive or something, someone suggested that and hey that's almost interesting. Except when you realize this is Nintendo 2017 we're dealing with, it starts to get muddled. You see the dumbass hats are going to be ghosts or some shit, just wait, it's fucking magic they don't gotta explain shit! Fucking cartoons and real humans! Woah!

Next is ARMS, which also just looks like shit. Turns out the only thing they could think of to do with the waggle is make another boxing game, which is pretty innovative according to Nintendo. The trailer for this game is cringe-worthy as all fuck, with almost half of it being live action bullshit wherein people get SUPER fucking intense about ARMS. Except, the game looks fucking boring and everyone hates waggle. Also, DLC costumes if it sells more than ten copies

Now we have a game called "1, 2, Switch," up next, I put that name in quotes because it almost seems completely retarded to call something that and you will surely think I'm speaking in code or something. Apparently the game is based off of cowboys, according to the trailer, and the crux of the gameplay revolves around pressing the button first. This isn't a QTE because of, well nothing! It's going to be a minigame collection that borders on absolute retardation and the only thing they had to show off was two cowboys getting randy over pressing their button.

Zelda: Piss in the Wild is a Skyrim ripoff (direct quote from Nintendo executive) except it doesn't have anything that was in Skyrim except Zelda, who was also not in Skyrim. The main selling point of this game is that you can wear armor, something you could do in an Elder Scrolls game since the original Xbox. Beyond that they introduced Fem Link, and forgot what color Link's tunic was. Fem Link is sure to bring lots of interesting story elements to the game, like what if Link was on his period? Of course there's always the pretty landscape in glorious 900p, because you know Nintendo, hah. What do you expect on a fucking tablet, something that isn't built by typewriter monkies? Clearly the graphical expertise of making a cartoon in 3D has been utilized to its fullest capabilities, as never before has Zelda been so boobs!

Splatoon 2! Fuck yeah lolis with... almost guns! I'm glad Nintendo is catching up on the internet meme that died ten years ago, and has finally found the Gunslinger Girls manga and realized it into full cartoon glory. Now I've heard this game is actually good, but can you trust a Nintendo fan's taste anymore?


>>
17/01/18(Wed)09:14 No. 144821 ID: 1689fb

Oh I forgot to make more DC comparisons...

ARMS = Ready 2 Rumble

1, 2, Switch = Sega had too many good ideas for that shit

Zelda = Shenmue

Splatoon = Maken X


>>
17/01/18(Wed)20:54 No. 144824 ID: 75c683

Yeah, I am not surprised Nintendo is shiting out another dog turd. That's all they do any more and the Nintendo fanboys just bitch and moan when you bring it up. Fucking wankers.


>>
17/01/19(Thu)03:27 No. 144825 ID: 5a53ee

>Dreamcast
Stopped reading right there.

Please go back to playing your shitty poorly selling console that never made a dent in the real world but you fanboys can't stop talking about god knows how many fucking years later.


>>
17/01/19(Thu)04:54 No. 144827 ID: 1689fb

>>144825
But it was a good console

Also I mostly talk shit about it if you could read you would know that


>>
17/01/19(Thu)05:35 No. 144831 ID: 1d7577

>>144825
>never made a dent in the real world
Online gaming would like a word with you.


>>
17/01/21(Sat)06:33 No. 144835 ID: 1689fb

>>144831
Also fuggin Jet Set Radio man

Great game. So I just bought Spec Ops II: Omega Squad for my DC and I was like fuck yeah I'll just play this on hard and spend time beating it. Holy shit the game is impossible on hard, you get killed extremely fast and there's an option to randomize enemies which makes it worse. So I kick it down to normal and fixed and get somewhat through a level and die. Then I go to easy and the fucking part I died on was the last enemy lmfao, so I play it on ridiculously easy through the next level and can't figure out where the fuck I'm supposed to go and give up.

If it saves my spot on the level I may try out normal again now that I have the controls worked out, easy is ridiculous the enemies see you then turn around and run in a circle half the time, only shoot when you're super close. They still nail you as soon as you pop out of a corner though that shit would piss me off on normal.


>>
17/01/21(Sat)06:33 No. 144836 ID: 1689fb

Oh and I checked GameFAQs and no one has made a guide for the game. Probably because it's fucking impossible


>>
17/01/25(Wed)11:14 No. 144843 ID: 1689fb

Guess I'll use this as my Now Playing thread

Anyways this is basically my chan now (fuck yeah, yeah fuck yeah) and I've been playing Sleeping Dogs. Story is pretty decent, it's basically like True Crime minus the suck of True Crime. The gameplay is fucking amazing though, it's a blast to drive around and karate chop "thugs" in the back of the head. You can pick up shit like bags people drop and do lots of Shenmue buying-shit-all-day and the game is just a fuck load of fun. It keeps track of lots of fun shit people do in GTA like driving properly with a little ticker and shit. Just now getting to the gunplay. Playing it, I can see it inspired a lot of GTA V actually.


>>
17/02/12(Sun)07:52 No. 144865 ID: 196dad

So I got a Genesis. It's the AtGames bootleg one with wireless controllers. It comes with 80 games!!!! Unfortunately only about 30 are original Genesis games and the others are just ripoffs of other shit, but technically console-exclusive I might add. The games it comes with are actually worth the value of the system alone so it was a great buy. The controllers however only work when pointed at the system, so if you're playing in a crowded room you have to pick up an old school controller which I plan to do. I decided to go hunting for RPGs since the system came with only saveless games (ironic considering this next part) but knew the batteries in most cartridges are dead and I would probably have to fix any RPG I could find. However I got insanely lucky and stumbled upon two old games; Might and Magic: Gates to Another World and Fatal Labyrinth. M&M is -exactly- what I was looking for in an RPG and even went above my expectations; It's basically an Americanized SMT, you even walk around in first person bumping into walls. However the game does use a save feature and is so hard you need to take advantage of it, I've heard the length is actually less than SMT but we shall see once I finally try my hand at fixing my first Genesis cartridge. The other game Fatal Labyrinth is fucking awesome and doesn't need saves (or perhaps the battery works? Because the checkpoints do) but it gets awful reviews from like everywhere and I've never heard of it. I'm so into it I've been ignoring my PS4 trying to get to the top of the fucking tower to fight this evil fucking piss dragon. Fucking bastard, I actually have the console on right now and am going to try again to beat it tonight. I got 2/3 through the game and had to go to bed which sucks ass I fucking hate work fucking shit I was so close


>>
17/02/13(Mon)05:29 No. 144868 ID: 196dad
144868

File 14869601629.jpg - (0.99MB , 1944x2592 , IMG_20170212_190646.jpg )

Oh yeah one con I forgot to mention about the Genesis; turns out the games are so hard to take out on this one (dirty?) I have to actually pick the fucking thing up and pry it apart. Pro; it fucking came with Fatal Labyrinth and I didn't even notice (probably because I wasn't stoned) so I still need to get a controller and fix my (technically only) physical copy of M&M. I decided to try and just nigger-rig the screws because the "holt" security bits are actually almost impossible to find with the tri-spanner pattern the game has. So instead I took a knife to the fucking thing after trial and error with various things (broke two punk buttons) and finally got them to start turning and break loose. I noticed the battery is actually different than most batteries; a CR2032. The capacitor looks like it might need changed as well and I'm thinking since I'm already risking destroying the thing I might as well do both. I'm also going to replace the screws with ones that aren't piss and color the EA tab another color. I fucked up with taking the screws out and slid my knife across the back so I carved my name into it. My grandpa bought a soldering iron for me since my grandma wanted one anyways, so now all I need to do is get the parts and pray for the best, and the destruction of all niggers


>>
17/02/15(Wed)22:51 No. 144869 ID: 5a53ee

I'm just going to throw this out there, but you can buy a set of bits on Amazon that include almost every security pattern known to man for under $10. The only pattern they don't include is star torx (5 point torx) which is okay because it was almost never used.

Only downside is you have to supply your own 1/4 rachet or driver, although they do include the 1/4 to mini bit adapter in the set.


>>
17/03/05(Sun)01:14 No. 144879 ID: b75f8b

>>144869
Every bit-ratchet set I've ever come across has been absolutely useless for small electronics because they make the bits too fucking big to fit into the tight spots you need to actually get at screws.


>>
17/03/06(Mon)03:46 No. 144881 ID: 448961

>>144879
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000O5XDOG


>>
17/03/11(Sat)07:59 No. 144893 ID: c27adb

>>144879
If you can't get at the screws using this kit:
https://www.ifixit.com/Store/Tools/64-Bit-Driver-Kit/IF145-299-1

Then you're taking the device apart wrong. There is a proper way to take shit apart, and the way you can tell you're taking it apart is because you don't need to insert screwdrivers into incredibly tight spaces that a driver can't fit in.

If you're going to take it apart to fix it, take it apart, don't half-ass it and try not taking the cover off or fail to remove the piece above the component you want to remove.

When you do things the right way, and sometimes it takes a bit of trial & error to figure out the right way, then you don't end up trying to fit a driver-less bit into a spot too small to fit a driver-less bit. That component that's blocking you from doing it? Remove it. Look, you can use the bit in a driver now. Can't remove that component? Then remove the part that's blocking you from doing it.

You can easily make a complicated repair even more complicated by not removing the parts you need to remove.


>>
17/03/16(Thu)09:06 No. 144897 ID: 57a468

The Switch isn't a bad console and the new Zelda is actually very good. You seem upset for some reason, OP.
>>144821
So basically the Switch's legacy shall continue long after its death?


>>
17/03/17(Fri)06:03 No. 144898 ID: 088518

>>144897
What I find hilarious about OPs diatribe is it's experience free. He never held a Switch. He never played a Switch. He just read a bunch of shit online and made up his mind.



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