>>
>... gays get laid every night; that isn't realistic, but that's the image.
Anal sex takes preparation. At least a few times, my boyfriend caught me by surprise wanting to fuck without waiting, and we did it right away. Luckily, I have a ridiculously clean ass by default, and have ample experience putting things in there. So I am capable of having sex at the drop of a hat (well, drop of a pair of pants) without cleaning, without lube, and without stretching. However, I don't LIKE doing it that way; and I certainly wouldn't recommend it. Nowadays, I always make sure I wash myself out, first, because I don't want there to be shit on his dick someday. Doing it that way means that sex loses a portion of its spontaneity — I need to make him sit on the bed and wait five minutes while I go to the bathroom. That's part of the reason why I love frotting and oral so much. One doesn't need any preparation for that!
So, for most gay guys, sex isn't a quick and daily matter.
>when I get undressed with a man, I never have an erection. It comes with time and cuddling
That's the same for me, too. Mostly, I'm not aroused by men (only boys, natch) in the first place; but sex isn't very visual for me. It's all about the touch and sounds and smells and tastes — mostly touch, really. Every square inch of my skin is a erogenous zone. But I don't get hard to start with, because the visual is not very arousing. It's exciting, and it makes my brain very happy, but my penis knows nothing's happening yet and can't spare the effort of getting stiff. Cuddle me, however, and I'll stay hard for hours (or until I fall asleep).
I've read a theory about alpha and beta personalities in men. It states that betas get hard quick and ejaculate quick because they know that they don't have very many chances to reproduce (and have to get done before the alpha shows up the kick his ass). So, they subconsciously give their all every time during sex. Alphas are the opposite. Considering it takes me literally over an hour to have an orgasm in most cases, I must be extremely alpha by nature. I also don't like quick flings. My idea of a relationship is "years and years".
In either case, I've known other men who are the same way. Not everyone is the fuck-it-and-leave-it sort.
Also, the past is unimportant. I've had many MANY chances to have sex with all sorts of boys and men since I was 8 years old, about; and most of the time I passed it up because I was afraid for some reason. Some mornings, I have a dream about one of them, and I wake up in tears and full of anger and deep regret at the chances I missed. I can get through it by knowing that it doesn't matter at all what I DID or DID NOT do. Memory is a curious, unreliable, and malleable thing. If I try hard enough, I can fabricate memories from nowhere. So, having a memory of an awesome sexual encounter from when I was ten years old, whether it happened or not, makes no difference at all. If I take a minute and reason with myself, I realize that there is no logic behind regret. The past cannot be changed, and as long as there are no physical scars, it doesn't affect me. The only thing that matters is what I am going to DO, mostly what I choose to do in the next hour or so. Planning much further in advance than that is contradictory to human nature.
If a fag wants to get laid, it's a simple matter. Could happen by the end of the day. Real relationships, however, are hard to find. Not many men (gay or straight) are interested in much more than no-obligation fucking; and many gay men in particular think they're ENTITLED to it, because clearly only women care about cuddling or romance or actual legitimate dating. Personally, I've never looked actively, and I do not plan to if my current relationship doesn't pan out. I prefer to just be patient, and if a person comes to me then so be it. I'd LIKE a relationship, sure, but I don't NEED it. If I'm alone for the rest of my life as of tomorrow, I'll be okay. Contrariwise, if someone nice falls into my lap, I won't push him away.
Anyway, that was kinda sorta a response to questions you kinda sorta had. Hope it was of some help. Just keep going through life one day at a time, don't have regrets about the time that has passed, and keep your eyes open for a long-term mate. We do exist, just few and far between. Maybe you'll get lucky.