/grim/ - Cold, Grim & Miserable

Edgar Anon Poe 26/10/14(Wed)01:37 No. 8449

File 17919346601.jpg - (240.72KB , 1000x1200 , GTBbPbSb0AA5rKr.jpg )

want to kill myself by jumping off a tall building in a few days. hope that fear doesn't get the better of me. my mental health has been shitty for many years but the situation that finally pushed me off the edge is really fucking stupid and embarrassing.

i entered university recently. fell in love with a guy from my group. he's a really interesting type, antifa skinhead who identifies as cossack instead of russian and is a cossack separatist. he's 2 years older than me, got kicked out of the previous university for a conflict with a professor. kind of a mysterious guy. the thing is, every time i fall in love i go completely off the rails. usually my life is filled with apathy and anxiety but romantic feelings give me an insane emotional boost and mood swings. i have an actual will to live, actual motivation to go to uni just so i can see him again.

i started doing creepy stalker shit: filming him behind his back, finding his old messages, some legal documents, names of his parents and siblings, approximate location of living (all that via internet. it didn't require much effort), sniffing his clothes and rummaging through his pockets, picking up trash after him, trying to find his hair on the floor. i stalked him in a "traditional" way only a few times, trying to see where he goes on breaks.

recently everyone in the group suddenly noticed me filming him. they approached me and told me to stop doing it and that the guy feels scared (imagining him scared paints a pretty cute picture in my mind, as awful as it sounds). the thing i've been afraid of the most for many years is public condemnation and ridicule. two months of studying hadn't even passed and i already fucked up big time. now everyone in my group knows i'm a disgusting creep. if i go to uni again i won't be able to look any of them in the eye. being near them and especially near him would be genuine torture.

that day i tried to drown myself in a pond but couldn't even get the water (mostly mud) past my knees because i'm a pussy bitch that can't handle discomfort. jumping off a tall building seems like a better way to commit suicide. feel free to recommend any other ones.

Edgar Anon Poe 26/10/14(Wed)07:59 No. 8450

File 179195758953.jpg - (1.02MB , 3072x4096 , IMG_20261013_202246.jpg )

I doubt this forum will understand you very well, because
1. Most of us are men
2. I'd argue most of us are autistic
3. Besides the two points above, I think we have extra disregard for societal norms or what is considered okay or whatever than just that two points above would suggest

So, I'm sure it causes you a lot of discomfort, but without being able to ourselves in our bones understand what the fuck you're talking about, I mean we can give some general advice I guess or recommend you some ways to kill yourself, but I think this thread is going to end up being very detached. It's like if somebody said I want to kill myself because my candy spoiled. Well how about you just buy new candy instead of that. But hey I'm not here to judge I'm sure it's serious.

Also, you sound like you're from Japan or one of those Asian cultures, is that true? That would explain a lot.

I'd film underage girls in the toilet if I actually cared about it or thought that it's morally right. And I wouldn't give a fuck if anyone found out, but that's me, I stand by what I do. Or if I think I made a mistake, then I just own the mistake. Like, yeah bitch, I was schizophrenic and delusional to think that that was okay and now I don't, what are you going to do about it? Anyway, good luck basing your baseness on whether or not other people think you're based.

shrimp 26/10/15(Thu)03:52 No. 8453

i dont really know what to say but keep going i believe in you, even when its hard or people think your weird ill still think your amazing anon!

Edgar Anon Poe 26/10/15(Thu)13:23 No. 8457

>>8450
i'm not of asian culture, i'm russian. i wouldn't say russian society has the same mentality when it comes to the concept of a person's reputation compared to asian countries you're talking about, i'm just extremely, abnormally sensitive to outside judgement, ridicule and rejection. i wish i could have the same attitude as you because this shit brought me years of social isolation in the past.

>>8453
thank you for your the kind words, anon.

Edgar Anon Poe 26/10/15(Thu)15:32 No. 8459

File 179207116048.gif - (175.30KB , 450x328 , 1755885307378-0.gif )

>>8457
nah russian is pretty much the opposite to japan in terms of that.

well, you might be extremely autistic like I used to be. what doesn't help is that your whole country is basically depression.

you have extremely low self judgement, self worth, self evaluation. what you'll find out (likely if ur problems r remotely like mine were) if you continue growing up is that, although it's a poor reference point, but other people suck much more than you do and that your entire childhood was a fucking scam that convinced you that you suck even though you internalized the suck of the people around you. Like blaming yourself for how dysfunctional your relationship with your mother or your father was, or both etc. It's a normal survival mechanism, but it comes with a big psychological cost. On top of this self hatred you have learned / leaned into consciously or more likely unconsciously - very negative thought patterns and predispositions for how you frame things.

also ur obv young af, because if you were older you'd know how wide the world is, not just in terms of everything, but also in terms of social realities, atmospheres, groups and individuals...... If your entire city like big city like Moscow turned against you - it wouldn't matter, because it's basically a big village and they're all doom and gloom depressed niggers anyway, there's SO much more out there... But no, your school, or a group within your school might or might not have turned against you (their judgement doesn't even mean you did anything wrong) and that's enough to collapse your entire world view...

Look just hang around for 2027, aliens are official, that'll switch up the social paradigms a bit, yes even in your middle of nowhere irrelevant school or uni or whatever. Also next 3-5 years is gonna be an absolute rollercoaster, personally, collectively, globally, in every way, so just watch it crash and burn or turn into some utopia or whatever, but don't miss the free show.

Sleep a lot, learn to lucid dream and try not to talk to anyone too much if it's really that agonizing to you, also learn to enjoy food in a healthy way. I know you have 3 more years in you OP.

Also fast. dry fast in particular. Check out doctor filonov or whatever, plenty of russians... Check out anastasya zelevich, all of these russian autonomous people, fasting will help your mind more than any therapy or trying to think yourself out of this could likely ever help. I'm not doubting your intelligence, but it's a double edged sword + your a woman. GL

[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts]