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Since I was a kid I was told that if I had sympathy towards gays, interacted with them, supported them in any way I would go to hell. My grandmothers drilled it into my head that if I were to be one myself I would be cut off completely, and god would hate me. I was also taught that if I didnt have sex with a man on the daily I would never be loved, and that it was normal to find intercourse incredibly painful (are you okay grandma?).
My upbringing made accepting being a lesbian exceptionally difficult. When I was younger I knew there was something different with me, but didnt want to accept it. I’ve have people calling me a faggot and a lesbo since the pandemic ended anyways. After trial and error I can say for certain I know what and who I am, and it has improved the view I have on my future. I’m in the process of joining my countries military and if all goes well I’m going to eventually settle down with a woman and have 2-3 adopted children, but I still harbor a lot of self hatred and uncertainty about it. Honestly, more because of my mother than my grandmother.

Since she was in highschool my mother has been troubled– 13+ mental illnesses, drug addict, always attempting or overdosing and sending my grandparents and I suicide texts. When I was 14 or 15 my grandfather sat me down and told me that soon I would need to take legal responsibility of her. She is an abusive (to her parents, typically not me) fool with NPD. I would like to clarify that mental illness (bipolar, schizophrenia) runs in the family, she made the choice to worsen herself with drugs and booze, even in the face of people who could help her. Shes recovered many times only to relapse again and again. Shes almost gotten both my grandparents killed a number of times with her selfish actions and lies, even while medicated. I had a painful amount of sympathy for her when I was younger which led to me having my own mental health struggles for a bit, but now her presence disgusts me.

Some time after I cut my hair I realized she was bisexual, and had female partners when she was my age. Ok, cool. The first time I went to visit her in the hospital with different hair she apparently loved it. And then she groped my ass and told me how big and sexy it was.
At that point it wasnt the first time a family member had done something like it. My grandmother used to grab my butt, and both my mother and my grandfather would make comments about my breasts and physique after I started developing. It also wasnt the first time she’d creeped on people my age at the time. She used to talk about how cute and sexy all the guys in my age range (14-16) were.
It started to get worse from there, though. My mother told a woman at the movie theatre that I was her girlfriend. Tried desperately to get me to sleep in her bed. Started talking more often about how hot and sexy I am. Started making sexual jokes about me and her while I was driving her around. If it was one thing I wouldnt find it too bad, but all the little things building up were disgusting. She tries to say shes a lesbian but she keeps fucking whatever mentally ill dude she can get, and the only woman I’m aware of her dating was one in highschool who gave her drugs and kept her on sports teams. She’s always had a habit of taking parts of my personality, and I cant help but feel like thats why shes claiming to be gay now, when its been 30 years since she’s been with a chick.
It was hard enough figuring out who I am. Looking at my mother I cant help but feel homosexuality stems from a place of evil and deformity, even if I know its not true.
If I was a man everything would be so much easier. I would probably be much bigger and could better support my aging grandparents, I could have biological children, I could date and find a wife without being outcast from the family I’m trying to help. I’ve wasted so much time grieving who I could’ve been, its eating away at me.