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I feel so fucked in the head these days guys, and I don't know- I'm seriously considering self genital mutilation or heroing at this point. I could use some advice on this, here's the story. Sorry if its so fucked up, believe me I know it is.
One of my earliest memories involves my older brother, who I pretty much hate for various reasons and haven't talked to in 7 years- I'm 22 by the way. When I was 11 and he was 15 or 16, we basically had this "game", I'm not sure how it got about, where I would pretend tobe britney spears and dance for him while he layed back and watched on his bed. I can't re-call if there was much grinding, but I think I'd dance on him sometimes. I remember that we'd end up in the small closet in the room we shared too, but don't recall much after that. I think our parents almost or did catch us once, but everything just seems like a blur. I don't think back then I minded any of that stuff because my brother was a class A asshole most of the time and those moments, as well as when he'd show me porn, were one of the few where he wasn't a bully to me. I didn't start to look at it negatively until I got older.
Now comes the part that makes my stomach twist
I've never been attracted to guys my age or younger, they've just never done anything for me. Even guys a few years older than me were still too young and now, at 22, 30 year old guys are pretty young to me. Older businessmen/ dad types in suits have always been my kink. Rimming them, fucking their hairy holes, and spanking them- I'm pretty into it all, though I still haven't done much bottoming. When I masturbate alone though, along with the hairy bears bottoming, and getting creampied I often imagine I'm 11 and getting fucked by older men or readi stories like that on gay story sites and imaginig I'm the kid. It just makes me feel sick after I get off because I feel like my brother and that closet episode has had power on me this entire time, not to mention the acts in the story themselves I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I've figured I'd get tired of it over time, I've got into reading stories on weird shit like guys getting plowed by horses for a few months before I just got bored with it, and I have at times, but then got back into imagining myself as a kid.
Then there's something that happened last week that just got me ready to kill myself. While in the middle of a spank session looking at tumblr, I clicked a link that took me from hairy dad assholes to someone's tumblr that was full of 13 somethings year old boys shirtless, in speedos, etc. I was pretty fucking shocked that that was on tumblr- I knew what kind of guys it was meant for. I felt awful though, because my cock pulsated a bit. Even though I was already boned up from bear guys and already had my hand on my dick whe
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